I’ve made an extensive study of alien romance stories. Maybe you’re familiar with the genre: their covers feature bare-chested decapitated humanoid males and sport titles like “Kratzov, Oracle of Ventricle Pronging” or “Captured and Mated by Her Alien Barbarian Weredragon Starchaser”.

These may not be the works of Heinlein, but I enjoy them a lot. I have a filthy mind, and it appears that the authors often have equally filthy minds and are aware of the appeal of wish fulfillment. Nothing chases away dull care quite like reading about a Very Special Vibrating Tentacle while you’re halfheartedly shoving a sink’s worth of filthy dishes in the washer. Well, other than a margarita to go with the tentacle.

In addition to being diverting, the stories are highly educational, so much so that I’ve begun to wonder why we bother to fund NASA. They’ve taught me everything I could ever need to know about alien anatomy, sexual practices, and social behavior.

To wit:

Most extraterrestrials are humanoids whose anatomy and DNA are compatible with those of Earth women. In the vast majority of cases, they come in two sexes, male and female, just as here on Earth, and we’re able to mate and reproduce with them.

Alien men usually resemble Earth men but they’re bigger, very muscular, and are often more handsome. There may be minor cosmetic differences, such as skin or hair color. Some have eyes that change color, for example when they need to mate. Occasionally one encounters more pronounced physical differences, such as horns or wings, but there is never an issue that’s an impediment to mating with Earth women.

Not much is known about extraterrestrial women, simply because there aren’t that many of them. On many planets, the women have been killed off by pollution (before the males got smart and cleaned things up), a plague, or some other event which mysteriously struck only the females. On other planets, the womenfolk have become infertile, perhaps because of overuse of vibrating tentacles.

This unfortunately leaves many alien civilizations in a state of crisis, desperate for a means to perpetuate their species. Since Earth women are physically compatible with so many extraterrestrial species, they are greatly desired as mates. Plump women are regarded as especially desirable, perhaps because aliens believe they can better withstand the rigors of childbearing and frequent, vigorous probings better than their thinner counterparts.

Due to the dearth of same-species females, extraterrestrial males are often in a state of high sexual need, even desperate. Some will even die or go mad if the need is unfulfilled, a tragic situation I think of as “Pon Farr Syndrome”. This leaves males very motivated to do whatever is necessary to acquire a mate, even to kidnapping or waging war. Happily, there are an ever-increasing number of dating agencies which pair desperate human women with equally desperate alien males, so perhaps the wars and kidnappings will taper off over time.

I have been asked whether human males ever mate with alien women. No. In practice, this almost never happens. It may partly be because of the dearth of alien women and partly because Earth men just aren’t masculine enough. After all, alien men are more physically desirable and even the inexperienced are far better at the act of love.

It is worth discussing alien anatomy and sexual practices. Some extraterrestrials have evolved extra appendages which enhance the act of reproduction, such as vibrating tentacles or carefully-placed padded spurs. Most of the men have very large primary reproductive appendages and are expert at using them, despite the lack of local females to practice with. When necessary, they may gain expertise by viewing human copulation documentaries, aka porn, or by visiting alien brothels in order to practice on sexbots or non-humanoid creatures with approximately compatible orifices.

Above all, extraterrestrial males want to give their mates pleasure. For example, they delight in stimulating all areas of human women with their mouths, and regard women’s scents and emissions as exquisite regardless of their state of cleanliness.

Sometimes an extraterrestrial’s appendages are so large that the human female feels that she’s being “reamed” or that “something is exploding inside her”. Some women also report vigorous activity around their cervixes, as though the alien is using that anatomy as his own private trampoline. However, these are very special moments to cherish, not fear. While such events might be painful if they occurred during congress with a human male, they are exquisitely pleasurable when in the arms or tentacles of an alien male.

Unfortunately, despite the many positives of being in a relationship with an extraterrestrial, there are some challenges.

Many aliens are inclined to kidnap women or wage war rather than simply asking potential mates out on a date. It can be extremely off-putting to be hauled off to a spaceship for the purposes of romance immediately after seeing one’s male relatives or coworkers killed.

A medical exam to determine compatibility may be required before mating with an alien. These are frequently humiliating, involving public disrobing and the stimulation and measurement of one’s orifices. If one has a considerate mate, he may perform these assessments himself rather than leaving them to a physician. However, sometimes there are spankings if one does not cooperate. This is the case even if one is frightened, doesn’t understand what’s happening, and is unable to communicate.

Many extraterrestrial cultures are very traditional or even repressive. Even if one has a satisfying career here on Earth, it is likely that one will be expected to give it up after mating with an alien. However, this is usually a non-issue once the human female is sexually fulfilled by her alien mate and produces a few human/alien mutant babies. To put it bluntly, sex with an alien is so good that nothing else really matters, not even the ability to think or make decisions independently.

In some extreme cases, a woman may demonstrate that she is capable of something beyond sex and childbearing, have that recognized by her mate, and be allowed to work in a very limited capacity. For example, a woman who was a physician here on Earth might be allowed to apply bandaids to minor scrapes. However, those exceptions are rare. If you do bond with an alien, don’t expect to be more than a glorified sex toy and breeding receptacle. Alien men desire children to the point of being obsessed with the issue. If you don’t want to bear children, don’t marry an alien. (That is, if you’re given a choice.)

Some alien cultures are of a very fraternal bent. If two or more alien men are twins, brothers, or even just good friends, one may be required to marry and service all of them at the same time. Some cultures may even take it further and require one to publicly engage in intercourse as part of the marriage ceremony. If it’s humiliating to the human female, all the better.

After reading dozens of these works, I feel like the Margaret Mead of (imaginary) alien-human relations. The authors, without collaborating directly save via the ceaseless competition for sales on Amazon, have created what is effectively a remarkable shared universe. And unlike some other fictional universes, this one features a lot more barbed penises.